


A Shinobi's (Idiot's) Guide to Courtship

by eevaeon



Category: Naruto
Genre: Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-08
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-04-13 01:10:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4502037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eevaeon/pseuds/eevaeon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kakashi writes the steps necessary to getting the man.</p><p>(Kakashi torments/courts (same thing, really) our favorite academy schoolteacher because love</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Shinobi's (Idiot's) Guide to Courtship

**Author's Note:**

> I just finished reading the entirety of Naruto about a day ago and I hate my weeb trashy self but it was really good so now I'm reading and writing Naruto fanfic and will probably eventually kill myself because of what a disgusting person I am.
> 
> This fanfic is set a tiny bit after Kakashi takes on Team 7 and rn the whole village is pretty chill. My brain doesn't retain information on events and shit that happens (Come on guys, I can't remember 700 chapters of stuff) so there might be some inconsistencies and stuff.
> 
> Also, I'm only going to be using specialized words that are relevant to the story and I'm not using special accents so it's going to be shit like "jounin" and "chuunin" and not the other ones with the fancy lines. Everything besides is going to be English. None of that "hai" in the middle of fucking nowhere bullshit. I hate it when a work is English and then the author is like "Yeah I speak Japanese I know how to say 'yes' so my character is going to say that and everybody will think I'm being authentic and creative". No. Stop. You disgust me.
> 
> I'm also pretty average at writing and there are probably a ton of mistakes. Feel free to tell me, I might listen. Or not. I don't know. It depends. I might get offended but then again I might actually listen and fix them up or do something about the sort in my next work.
> 
> I'm sorry, I'm a terrible person. Just read it, kudos, bookmark, comment, and all that (Thanks for reading).

How to get the girl/guy, a guide by Hatake Kakashi:

1\. Make yourself known to your object of affection

Kakashi slouched in front of Iruka, his visible eye carefully half-open while he fought against smiling. The man in front of him shook in his seat as he stared at the jounin's mission report.

". . . Kakashi-san. . . " Iruka muttered, sharpness overtaking his tone in a way Kakashi found simultaneously amusing, adorable, and actually threatening with a side of sexy. Kakashi rose an eyebrow and drawled out, "Is something the matter, Iruka-sensei?"

"You could say that. Now, if you would just please explain yourself and tell me what. The. Hell. This. Is?!" Iruka stood up and slammed the paper in front of Kakashi's face with an astonishing amount of aggression.

"Why, it's my mission report obviously," the masked shinobi said, voice devoid of emotion. Iruka's body shook and Kakashi took a step back, preparing for the wrath he incurred.

"You-You. YOUR MISSION REPORT? YOU DOODLED IN TWO SECTIONS, ONE SECTION IS COMPLETELY EMPTY, THE SECTIONS FILLED OUT ARE SO ILLEGIBLE NOT EVEN THE CODE TEAMS COULD DECIPHER IT IF THEY TRIED, YOU SIGNED IT WITH A STUPID CHILDISH SMILEY FACE AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF IT'S ON A FUCKING NAPKIN!" Iruka raged at Kakashi as some chuunin and other jounins watched on, pitying the copy ninja and laughing at them both. Iruka was famous for his capability to yell at anybody and everybody. It used to be Naruto, but lately he had apparently expanded his horizons. The village figured it was a teacher thing. Their pity was completely unnecessary, as Kakashi was enjoying himself immensely. It wouldn't do to let Iruka catch on though.

"Ah, actually it's more like a. . . Dissatisfied face? See, look, it's more of a frown than a smiley I think," Kakashi calmly pointed to the little face on the napkin.

"I DON'T CARE WHAT KIND OF A FACE IT IS!" Iruka ripped the offending article away with anger and chucked it into the trash before taking several deep breaths to calm himself down.

"You better go and write up a perfect report for me, or I will see to it that you aren't given missions ever again and that you'll be stuck with genin teams for the rest of your life!" Iruka glared the prestigious jounin down. Kakashi held his hands to his chest in mock hurt. Usually a passive (besides in the battlefield), bored and lazy man, Kakashi seemed to only act out and tease Iruka. Their audience continued to view the scene, looking on with amusement.

"Ah, Iruka-sensei, you wouldn't do that to your favorite shinobi. Who would you talk to when handing out missions?" Kakashi put effort into infusing his voice with faux sadness.

"OUT!" And Kakashi found himself being pushed out the door. The man smiled to himself. What a good start.

2\. Make sure that the object of your affections KNOWS that he/she is the object of your affections

"Good afternoon, Hokage-sama, Iruka-sensei! My wonderful and eternal rival's strong and determined heart has blossomed into the fancies of Spring and asked me, in my youthful vigor, to deliver this very important message to you!" Gai stood proudly and enthusiastically handed the teacher a disgustingly decked out card made of the most hideous shade of pink anyone could ever imagine. Gai smiled and said"I shall now take my leave, for I lost a rock-paper-scissors with Kakashi and will now do 500 jumping jacks upside down!" before leaving.

"Do you like me? Yes/No" Iruka stared down the gaudy pink paper with the familiar, sloppy scrawl in hot pink gel pen. He took a deep breath. And then another. 

"Is your, ah, _youthful_ heart leaping with the fancies of Spring, Iruka?" the Third Hokage inquired, with a mock serious face.

". . . " The tan shinobi stared at the old man incredulously and the old man chuckled heartily in response. Iruka stared at the paper some more, reluctantly impressed with how. . . _ostentatious_ the thing was. 

3\. Perseverance is the path to the object of your affection's heart!

An unassuming shinobi shuffled into the room and uncomfortably glanced around before approaching the desk.

"Ah, Genma-san, I'm afraid there aren't any available missions for you right now," Sarutobi addressed the young man, who shifted and glanced shiftily at Iruka.

"Um, actually, I'm here on behalf of Hatake Kakashi. . . " Shiranui Genma cautiously stepped over in front of Iruka and dug into his pocket before pulling out a small bag with cookies and a small note inside. The bag was, of course, a lurid pink with white hearts decorating it and a crimson ribbon tying the top off. Iruka scrunched his nose as he silently appraised the offensive object. Genma smiled quickly before dropping the bag onto the desk.

"It's uh, not poisoned or anything. I think he baked them himself. I'll take my leave now, Iruka-sensei, Hokage-sama," the elite ninja bowed his head respectfully before leisurely walking out the door. Sarutobi carefully kept his gaze on his paperwork and refrained from the grin that was threatening to overtake his face. The very thought of the famed copy ninja _courting_ the beloved teacher was almost too much to handle. The tan man slowly opened the bag and retrieved the small, torn paper which contained the words, "You didn't answer my question. I like you, do you like me? Y/N" in the same, deliberately messy scrawl Iruka was forced to decipher on a weekly basis. Iruka crumpled the paper and tossed it into the trash and ate the cookies.

4\. No, really, perseverance is the path!

"Kurenai-san? Do you need something?" Iruka questioned the woman, who remained standing in front of the missions desk even after she had turned in her _beautiful, neat and legible_ report to the teacher. 

"Kakashi sends his, ah, love," Kurenai smirked and deposited a box on the table before whisking her team out the door.

"What is it this time?" the Third Hokage inquired, curious and amused. Iruka compared the old man to a twelve-year old girl in his head and saucily replied, "You're as bad as a teenage girl."

"As Gai would say, I am in the springtime of my youth," Sarutobi smiled back at the young chuunin.

"Hmph," Iruka merely grunted before uncovering the box to discover a (pink) cake with excessive swirls and pipework in (pink) frosting and (pink) roses with (pink) edible sparkles.

"He really outdid himself with this one; I'm impressed. I didn't even know he knew how to bake before all of this," Sarutobi nodded with fascination. Iruka found a small card on the side and pulled it out to read.

"Darling, I can do this as long as you want. With love, your very, very public admirer," Iruka read out loud, incredulous. 

"I can't tell if he really is a romantic or if he's doing all of this to just grab your attention," The old man mused to his right and Iruka sighed and shook his head in resignation. The Third Hokage however, noticed a small smirk overtaking Iruka's face. 

5\. Seriously, just keep at it. If there's no restraining order issued, he/she is probably fine with your stalking and obsessive gift-giving. Also, it is most definitely beneficial to steal tactics from your students.

". . . Hello, Asuma-san," Iruka warily greeted the jounin. Sarutobi smiled at his son before acknowledging the jounin's arrival with a nod, stating, "I hope it's more baked goods, I haven't eaten for a bit." 

"Yep. Kakashi sends his, uh, warm regards," Asuma sauntered over to give Iruka another box and then lazily waved as he left. A beautiful array of donuts coated in strawberry glaze gazed at Iruka, who took one out and offered it to the Hokage and then grabbed another one for himself. Before he managed to bite into it, Asuma waltzed back in holding a tea set.

"I almost forgot. Kakashi also sent this along with the words. . . Uh. . . Oh yeah. My dearest star in the heavens, shining with the beauty of a thousand suns, I hope you love love love this gift," Asuma grinned and left. 

"He's certainly channeling his inner thirteen-year old girl," Iruka smirked and picked up the tea cup.

"He's probably being influenced by Sakura," Sarutobi chuckled. 

"Which is odd, as Sasuke detests that sort of attitude. I should know, I taught them myself," Iruka reflected.

"Well, you're not Sasuke," Sarutobi replied after a bit of silence. Iruka nodded in assent and the two finished off the donuts.

6\. After you've worn him/her down with your gifts of love, start using your connections to influence his/her opinion of you

"Hello, Iruka-sensei! I am here to tell you that my eternal and ever so hip rival is a wonderful and caring, though he might not show it, man with all the youth in the world who could provide you with utmost happiness in your springtime! He speaks of you dearly and only wears his best mask in your presence! He sends his everlasting and strong love with compliments to your looks and beauty as well as this pie!" Gai burst into the room, announcing all of this in one breath and presenting the stunned individual with a pie dyed coral pink. Gai gave his regards to both Iruka and Sarutobi before gleefully sprinting away, murmuring something about how glad he was his eternal rival had found love at last.

The young man put the pie aside with a smile that did not go unnoticed by the Third Hokage.

A few days later, Iruka handed out the last mission for the day before heading out. Naruto had asked to meet him for ramen and tell him about his training and (probably) talk about what a bastard Sasuke was. Needless to say, Iruka looked forward to it immensely. After the two had ordered, Iruka noticed that the blonde boy was oddly silent and curiously tense. 

"So, any news?" Iruka prodded the young ninja, who twitched. An interesting reaction.

"Uh, yeah. I've been training really hard. K-Kakashi-sensei is uh, a-gech- really great teacher. Really great. He's super. Very considerate and good at teaching and c-caring for his students. Yeah. I l-l-like him a-ugh-a lot. You and him should get together sometime and t-gah-talk," Naruto choked out these praises, near vomiting the compliments and twitching every time he let one out. Iruka raised an eyebrow with amusement.

"What did he give you to say all this?" 

"G-give? Kakashi-sensei didn't g-give me anything. I definitely think he's a-eurgh-b-brilliant man who is s-super g-ew-good-looking man and a really t-talented man hehe," Naruto made horrified faces with each admission. Iruka raised his other eyebrow, expression clearly demanding the truth. Naruto nervously glanced around before slumping in defeat and muttering, "he prepaid for ten bowls of ramen."

"Ten bowls?" 

"He originally bargained five, but don't worry, Iruka-sensei; I defended your honor and held out for ten!" Naruto said proudly, but blushing at the fact that he sold himself for anything at all.

"I suppose I should be privileged to be worth ten bowls of ramen. . . " Iruka rolled his eyes at his former student but reached out to ruffle the messy blonde halo anyways and the two switched to conversation about how his training was _actually_ going (Kakashi was apparently, a lazy demon in disguise).

When Iruka ambled into the office the next day, Sarutobi greeted the man warmly and then proceeded to say, "The Hatake compound isn't that bad. I think he's been fixing it up. It looks nice. And empty."

Iruka groaned in defeat and slid into his chair with ease before replying, "he got you too?"

"I couldn't help myself, he gave me cupcakes. And anyways, he _is_ a good man, if a bit lazy and emotionally distant at times," the old man crinkled his eyes as he smiled at his younger companion.

"I can't believe he actually got the Hokage to talk him up as well. Next, random civilians will be approaching me on the streets. . . " Iruka groused half-heartedly, a smile crossing over before he got back to work.

"Um, Hatake Kakashi does a lot for the village and is an honorable man!" A little girl stuttered out to a disbelieving Iruka the next day. 

7\. Remind the object of your affections exactly what you offer

"What's that?" Sarutobi questioned after seeing Iruka's face, which was a striking shade of red. The teacher let out a strangled noise from the back of his throat before hastily shoving some papers out of sight.

"Nothing, nothing!" Iruka tried to put the pictures that displayed Kakashi's _nude_ body and full face in several different poses and expressions out of his mind. Nobody would know if he kept them for later, right?

Another day, and Jiraiya wandered over to Iruka's apartment and invited himself over for tea. Iruka sighed, already knowing what was to come.

"The Hatake compound is pretty big. Very nice. Kakashi is a talented ninja, and he has great taste in books. I'm sure his, ah, taste in books probably has given him an edge in another field," Jiraiya leered before continuing on, "He's gone on a lot of missions too and has a lot of money saved up. He's relatively close to Naruto as well, as you know. And he's not terrible looking."

"I can't believe one of the Sannin is in my living room listing Kakashi-san's good qualities to me," Iruka let out a small chuckle. Jiraiya smiled, drank the rest of his tea, and bid adieu. 

8\. Play mind games and get people to mutter your name so that the object of your affections subconsciously thinks about you more.

"I swear, it's like 'Hatake Kakashi' is on everybody's tongues lately!" Iruka complained to Izumo and Kotetsu.

"He just wants to be on your tongue, Iruka-sensei," Kotetsu sniggered and Iruka smacked the other man on the head. 

"Don't be so inappropriate," Iruka chided, even as he gaped at the other man with a blush. It wasn't like he needed to think of Kakashi and sex any more than he did.

9\. Approach him/her yourself

"The man of the hour, or month as it would have it. I've been wondering when you'd show your face to me. Well, half your face," Iruka raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms at the jounin standing in front of him. Hatake Kakashi awkwardly turned his face away before slowly reaching up to his mask. Iruka watched in surprise as the other man fingered the black material before realizing that he couldn't just ask the jounin to reveal himself out in public. The teacher stepped back and beckoned the elite ninja inside his apartment like a sheep welcomes a wolf into its domain. Kakashi gratefully, but obviously uncomfortably (which Iruka thought he'd never see Kakashi be) slouched inside before shutting the door behind him. Once inside, Kakashi breathed in and pulled his mask down, reminding Iruka once again what a handsome man he was. Not that he needed a reminder; he had pictures after all.

"Have you been liking the gifts?" Kakashi smirked, but the intensity and sincerity in his eyes (he had put his headband up as well) surprised Iruka into nodding. 

"Yes, thank you. They've been. . . Nice," Iruka admitted. 

"Well?"

"Er, well what?" 

"Yes, no?" Kakashi cocked his head, his expression carefully constructed into something that was probably supposed to look like lack of concern but hope shined through his eyes in a way that endeared the older man to Iruka.

10\. Reap in the reward

"I can't believe you bribed your friends, student, and even the Hokage to talk you up," Iruka breathed out and reached over to pull Kakashi towards him. To Iruka's eternal pleasure, the other stumbled and Iruka tucked the memory of the jounin's shocked look away in his brain before leaning up and kissing the guy.

 

 

11\. Don't ever follow an emotionally constipated jounin's advice on love. These are all incredibly stupid steps and could be interpreted as obsessive stalking which could result in the target feeling increasingly more and more suicidal.

"It worked though, dear!" Kakashi protested as Iruka crumpled the list up.

"Only because I clearly have awful taste in romantic partners. Anybody else would have either murdered you or reported you for harassment," Iruka grumbled.

"You love me," Kakashi countered and Iruka sighed.

"God help me, I do," Iruka let himself be pulled into an embrace and secretly tucked the list into his pocket. It was kind of sweet, in a messed up way after all. 

12\. Enjoy the honeymoon period 

"AND WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE?! YOU BETTER FIX THIS UP RIGHT NOW, KAKASHI!" Iruka yelled before ripping his boyfriend's latest mission report to shreds.

"Yes, dear," Kakashi mumbled and got to work. He had to obey the missus' commands, or else he didn't get dinner. He supposed the blush that appeared on the tan man's face was worth it though.

The end.


End file.
